Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Song of the South*

I was talking with my friend Ken about how people from Maryland feel about being in the south, or at least classified as it? He says many do not see it that way. Most think of the south as redneck fools. Picture Deliverance and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel, that's the way we are portrayed on TV and in lots of peoples  minds. He grew up in Baltimore, it is a large city but I am unsure of its size next to Charlotte,Atlanta,Miami,or Raleigh. I am not hating on Baltimore or saying my friend had these views. Most northerners do not realize Baltimore, Philly, New York, Boston are as near as Raleigh,Charlotte,Columbia,Atlanta. They no longer rule the US. In fact most Presidential candidates spend more money in the south than most places. 4 of our states are battlegrounds in elections.

The north is portrayed as rude,disrespectful, and money hungry. I know a few yanks, they are not like that. Some are just like some southerners, dumb rednecks. Dumb red necks exist the world over. The largest groups do not like to admit the other side is similar. Makes them feel weak.

I have no real point to this blog. Just that people still view the US as segments as if it were 1892. Yes we have north,south,east,west, mid west,mid Atlantic, northeast,southeast. That is alot. With today and the way people move for jobs so quickly I am not sure any true division can stand. In Brooklyn you have a neighbor from Tennessee. In NC you have a neighbor from New jersey ( he may still call us hillbillies but at least we are not from Jersey). The list goes on and on.

Leviticus 19:18 "'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

* I will now name each blog after a song. Song titles sum up certain things so easily and earlier blogs I said if you cannot top it borrow it. If you know the artist of said song or want to comment all you need is a gmail account.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Ain't no rest for the wicked

This holiday has taken the life out of me. I am bushed, beaten,tired,sore,mentally finished. Thanksgiving day gave me a return to my mom's side of the family for the holiday. It was good but tiring. I had little questions about the disease which was great. I just limped in ate, joked, and left. Except one little issue-- my loving  dad had me removed from the church prayer list. I do not attend this church but some of my family does and if the graveyard rose up all the sudden my family tree would break. Oh and they would go and eat my dad for his wicked ways. He and his sister (imagine me saying that word like Darth Vader in RTOJ) basically accosted the pastor on the phone to have me removed. He did it to end a losing fight on his part. I was then put in a the pickle of are prayers good from this church or are they wishing me ill will. The good won and I called the preacher and had myself returned to the prayer list and Luke Skywalker wins again. Wait....wait...sorry for the nerd moment. Ain't no rest for the wicked, until they close they eyes for good. Morbid but true.

The wife's side featured less stress but more questions. It was okay, I expected it. But when I say inflammation process and chronic protein elevation, plus chronic central retinal vein occlusion they look at me like.... huh, take an aspirin. Maybe not that bad but that is how I feel. I try and spill it in human terms(not medical lingo) for them. It helps some. If I told them protein is the basis of life next to water  and too much is bad, they may get it. If I say it helps digestion and I have too much so I have chronic digestive issues. They may get it. If I say protein has fat with it and it can clog veins and other blood flow they may get it. ( Hey hey that is the eye stuff guys) If I say extra protein in the body can build up in organs and cause cancers and stuff. They may get it. If I say the inflammation caused these knots on my knuckles and stiffness in my hips,knees,spine,toes,neck,shoulders,elbows. They may get it. If I say I walk with a cane and always will because of this inflammation. They may get it. I if pull down my pants and show them the oozing sore on my thigh caused by inflammation that does not heal. They may get. If I say get on my left side and try and hit me. They do it. I do not stop them because I cannot see them at all. They may get it. 

I did not do that. That would be rude, mean, and cruel. I did however tell them some of that stuff, the less gross stuff. The facial impressions changed from that is it  to you poor bastard. I also ran into a person who I knew was having a hard time with life in general. I had spoken with them a week ago or so, my open letter to the depressed was for them. (It was not a suicide note like my poor mother thought. ) I expected a moment of us to talk about it in person, maybe hug it out, cry a bit. You know get that emotional stuff you need to get moving back in the right course of life. This did not happen. No talk happened. No nothing folks. I was hurt by it but I will continue to be if needed. They know my phone number, google chat name, facebook page, blog profile, email..... get the point. I am here. Ain't no rest for the benevolent until we close our eyes for good. 

Below is the song/video(yes they still make music videos,I just do not know here they are played) that inspired this post.



Friday, November 23, 2012

Thanks

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I ate until I felt sickly. As for today I think of thankful things. My friends that have stood by me through this disease process. Ken and his family have been damned near family since last year. My LCH friends, Jamie and Kim took the lead so I had PTO before I became disabled. Also, took up gift cards for us so we had Christmas cheer last year. Kal, David, Laura, and Donna my posse from WFUBMC IMC prayed and visited me. My wife, sissy, and mom took alot of junk from me this past year and I will be for ever grateful. They helped me feed myself,walk,raise my child,and spiritually guide me. The In-laws helped with some of those as well, no slight to them but also no need to retype same sentence. I am also Thankful my brain is working a touch better and I am able to come up with topics to spill out on here for your reading pleasure. I am currently cooking up about 3 topics right now. Keep an eye the next couple weeks for those. Enjoy the weekend and your family and friends this awesome holiday weekend. Happy Festivus for the rest of us! 





Monday, November 19, 2012

SISTER

What is a sister? To most it is an open and shut case. A female sibling born of same parents as you. I had that, not for long.  My sister was born March 1985. She died April 1985. I was a young thing but it is my first memory. I am sad to this day about it. What could have been and should have been. One day God will tell me why He took her way too soon and why my maternal family has been made to suffer through this autoimmune disease junk. This death basically ruined my family. It threw both my parents into a deep depression that I am certain they still fight to this day. It also had a great factor in the destruction of the marriage some 15 years later. They fought and bickered the next 15 years after the death. I think its because they reminded each other of what had happened and they hurt. They hurt for many reasons, from what I can calculate, the 2 did not help the other cope with the loss. I am not sure my father has even coped to this day. His dad had died just the previous October.  This bickering has made me paranoid. They fought like cats and dogs but I never knew, well knew the extent. I was 19 when the divorce came. I turned into a drunk with no direction. How I found my way is another blog. =) I find myself looking funny at my wife when she talks in hushed tones with people. Same thing when she reads stuff on the computer or phone and makes hmm sounds. I'm afraid she is holding back on me. She has in the past, mainly about my disease. She doesn't want to burden me with more pressure and worry. That is noble but just causes me more worry. I'm a weirdo. All this can be traced back to my sister and her untimely passing. 

In November 1985 my other sister was born. I did not know her or her family but she was here. I met her in 2002 or so. I do not believe in reincarnation or that hippy stuff but perhaps some of my real sister resides with Rachel. Maybe I just want to think that because it makes me feel better. I treat Rachel like my real sister. I am protective and mean to her. That is what big brothers do! I once chased her around the apartment with a dead goldfish. Ahh good times! I also offered to go and beat some dude into oblivion for her. Big brother stuff, you dig. My mother know Rachel and so does my father. My mother  sees and knows of my feeling toward Rachel. Good old dad, who knows, who cares? Rachel by definition is my sister in law. It may have been that way for a little bit before I married Amelia. It did not last. Amelia says Rachel is her best friend and worst enemy. Most siblings feel that way. So Rachel was thrust unto me and I adopted her as my sis. She has lived with us many times and many years. I hated it and loved it. Sibling love is weird. You want to say we are just sister and brother or in-laws and toss them out. Then you look at the hurt they suffer and want to heal it or at least give them a band aide. Would Jackie be anything like Rachel? Who knows? God knows, but no one else. Maybe one day my mom and I will know. Maybe Jackie will say I have helped Rachel be close to you because I know you needed it. This is the first time I have shed a tear will blogging. I leave you with 2 bible verses. Love and kindness, Ben

Proverbs 7:4 - Say unto wisdom, Thou [art] my sister; and call understanding [thy] kinswoman:

1 Timothy 5:8 - But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel

Saturday, November 17, 2012

GEN X and what not

So what is a Gen x or Gen y? First off Gen means generation. Now that I am done with definitions, here it goes. Many will argue that my dates are wrong, some will say right on. I find Gen x is from 1965 to 1976 to as late as 1982.  Gen Y overlaps as well, 1977 to 1995/2001.* Generations are not clear cut, I say its due to the country we live in. Some people experience new technology and advancements before other therefore tossing them into a new segment of the population. 

Generation X - raised by the career and money conscious Boomers amidst the societal disappointment over governmental authority and the Viet Nam war and the scoff-law attitudes coming out of the protest times; school problems about drugs; late to marry (after cohabitation) and quick to divorce...many single parents; are iconographic...clothes lables are large & shows of caring (turning out for a worthy-cause rally) are fully sufficient expressions (while government, charities, agencies will see to the work of it); want what they want and want it now but struggling to buy; conversationally shallow because relating consists of shared time watching video movies; short on loyalty & wary of commitment; all values are relative...must tolerate all peoples; self-absorbed and suspicious of all organization; computer generation; survivors as individuals; cautious; skeptical, unimpressed with authority, self-reliant. **

I would say that's me. I totally agree Gen x end at 1982 and gen Y starts at 1983. I born in 1981 and my wife in 1983, we have great differences and similarities. She however does not fit the mold of a true Gen x person. I have always hated and rebelled at authority. Not because I was cool but because I saw the rules as dumb and just an excuse to keep the youth down. We were flaming youth and our power was our age! Now we are old, broke down, and parents. Times change.

Generation Y - Facebook, MySpace, SMS and other instant communication technologies may explain Generation Y's reputation for being peer oriented and for seeking instant gratification. Generation Y, like other generations, is shaped by the events, leaders, developments and trends of its time. Members of this generation are facing higher costs for higher education than previous generations.**

I had no idea about most of this social media stuff until I met Amelia. AOL instant messenger was the first, Myspace was next, now Facebook is the king of all media. Sorry Howard Stern, Gen X figure head, you have been placed in the dinosaur category. I see parts of both X and Y in people born from 1976 to 1985. Chances are its because of family. Brothers or sister imposing their views upon the others. Life does that. same with sex education. People with older siblings have a higher fundamental grasp of sex at an earlier age than only children. I found that out from my old friend Charles. I knew nothing and during kindergarten nap time we had sex education lessons. He had 2 older brothers, one was a teen at that time. 

I see X as the rules stink, give me a job, give me that new toy, give me my way type of people. It has to do with our parents, the baby boomers part 2 (1955-1965)**. That is the way we all were raised to some extent. The Y folks had parents with a slightly higher grasp on reality. Less pot smoking I'd say. They however, turned into computer geeks. now computer geeks rule the world. I say Gen Y wins. Us Gen Xer's need one more good revolute to retake the world. Wait.... We have no music to phase this revolute to, Kurt is dead and alternative has turned into Linkin park and some rap rock garbage. Screw it. Lets just watch TV.



Below are the * and **, citations. Also, if you do not understand a segment I write sorry. I write like I talk most of the time. It is like I am preaching in a comical form.

*http://theechoboom.com/2010/09/dateage-range-of-baby-boomers-generation-x-and-generation-y/

**http://askville.amazon.com/cut-birth-dates-generations-baby-boomers-gen-Gen-generation/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=9298486

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Open letter to the depressed

“Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.” 
 Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation


Sometimes start and end with a good quote. It gets to the point better than some rambling story of yours. Life and depression seem to go along so well these days. Why are people prone to this "blue" feeling. Melancholy sucks! It is good for writing songs and maybe poems but for just LIVIN it sucks! I have had and  am battling depression. 

Do you think of me the times I'm thinking of you? When it rains, is this for me? Questions of humanity or emotional thoughts can go on and on. A never ending story of doubt and deep thought. I will now share a mental conversation I have had with myself on more than one occasion.

"You pansy! Just be done with it. Do something. You have out lived your usefulness. They will miss you when you're  gone." I have had this in my brain more than once in my near 31 years. " Don't do it. Think of your wife and child. You have never allowed anyone to beat you, so don't let being depressed win!" I always have that spin through shortly after the first part.

I have met people from all walks of life and all have these issues. All deal with them differently. Many see doctors and get treated with medication. Medication is good. Others find a certain "thing" to use as a safety blanket. They pull it out when they feel depression sneaking up on them. They never really conquer the disease but find a way to push it away. Sports and religion are the 2 I have seen the most. They dive into them head first, you would think they were a preacher or head coach. It works and that is all that matters.

Finding what works for you is the key. You know the saying idle hands are the devils plaything, well an idle mind can be the same thing. Sitting around in the dark, crying, listening to Nirvana and watching Scar kill Mufasa on repeat is not the best option. Dwelling on your inner demons is not a good choice either. Feeling old because you just stay home now with little social friends may bring you down. It could be an upside, remember as you grow as a person so do friends. Many times you grow apart and its time to move on and find new avenues of friendship. Maybe you want to be a social butterfly but it is not in the hands God gave you. Perhaps a bible study for people your age is the key. These things are often posted in many places and even on social media. Finding a club or group activity is easy, YOU just have to make yourself do it. " I work full time. I only go to work with this cloud on my head and come home and cry. No time for other stuff." Okay, you are now a commercial my friend. Time management is the key to healthy living. To me, time management is the key to life. That was the main thing I taught my students, if you properly account for things you will always have time for lunch. In a hospital lunch is very important, many reading this did not know that. 

As a last resort, using work as the key to beating depression is understandable. Pour yourself into it, do it all. Volunteer for any group, be the one to stay late, yes boss I will get all that info for you. Go getter is the term I think. I only went go getter to get a raise or a promotion. Thats me not you. School is a great option. LEARNING, that will get you far. If you cannot beat something, learn about it. After that it is beatable. To truly understand anything you most see both sides of it. The good and bad, light and dark.  Become THE student, master your subjects. If TV is a passion and it makes you happy become a master of trivia. Keep the mind active. That is a key.

You see, beating or overcoming depression requires drive and the urge to do it. Asking for help is step one, ask anyone. Brother,sister,pastor,therapist,mom,dad anyone you think important enough to help you. Step 2 is generally fighting it. I mainly talked about the fighting aspects. Recovery from this disease happens but relapses happen too. Meds help those. Your activity helps those. Talking helps those. Bottling 
up the bad shit in life and allowing it poison you leads you down the wrong path. See it coming and go visit a confidant. Get it out before it spreads. You know like caddyshack 2. YOU MAY NOT GET THAT REFERENCE. 

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life you have a thousands reasons to smile."
Unknown

DEDICATED TO ANYONE DEPRESSED WHO NEEDS A REASON TO SAY, SCREW THIS!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Election day 2012

Oh in what a time we live. Today we vote. Many "vote" but WE vote. Many places in this world do not have a real voice in the process of naming a leader. Many say we here are being placated in our election process. Maybe we are, I tend to think we are not. I try to stay politically aware. I hope to teach my child the proper way to learn and think. Staying the in know politic wise is part of our American duty. Some say join the Army, full fill your duty to your country. I say being aware and staying alive politically is your duty. Yesterday I was in bad shape. My left eye has been bothering me significantly. I was having a hard time standing and walking yesterday. I was afraid I would not be able to get to the polls. My father took my wheelchair away because he does not care about me and my disability. A does of corticosteroids and some of the symptoms back off enough for me to be mobile enough to do my civic duty. My daughter was with me, as well as my wife, she sorta got it thanks to Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. By the next one she will understand. I remember the 1992 election well, I hope she remembers the 2016 election just the same.